The Recluse

So much to say so much to say so much to say

I'm not sure how popular Dave Matthews is in Britain...

I have spent most of the last couple of weeks in our regional offices up and down the country. Yet another contract extension, despite one of our office heads complaining to my boss about me turning up to work drunk and on the verge of a massive hangover. My reaction: go and see the boss immediately on my arrival back to London, confess and assure him that this type of unprofessional behaviour would not be repeated. It seems to have done the trick.

I had better be careful though - I have a habit of turning the bridge into a tightrope. Then again, I've never really been that comfortable with the easy ride. Tempted to make a pun here but it's far too obvious.

I think that, in a way, I came of age last night. It was a work piss up - in fact my boss' leaving party. I'll miss him. There's always been a perceptible air of discomfort between us, but he's a pretty admirable guy in many respects and he's shown a considerable amount of faith in me. He still doesn't know what to make of me though: I am reliably informed that he thinks I'm gay (by gay, I'm not sure whether his implication is merely derogatory, factual or both). It doesn't really bother me - I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to play up to this, and in any case I'm quite a demonstrative person by nature. I put this down to my ethnic/ cultural upbringing and my good fortune to have been born at a time when homosexuality was more acceptable - neither of which I have in common with him... Maybe he doesn't care and he's just bowing to what he perceives as his macho obligation to follow the flock. Then again, maybe I don't care what he thinks about my sexuality...

Anyway, nos moutons... It was sufficiently late for us all to be quite slaughtered on the boss' bar tab, and, feeling a little like Mark Renton in Trainspotting, lack of woman set in... Standing around, I noticed a very cute little girl heading my way. She was smiling at me - this doesn't exactly happen every time I go out (although perhaps slightly more often than I notice - I would say that I'm pretty bad at reading female signals/ body language). We hadn't yet had chance to introduce ourselves to each other, and she was dragged onto the dance floor by one of her friends...

Five minutes or so later, she headed back my way, still smiling, made sustained eye contact and was clearly intending to engage me in conversation when she was collared by a colleague of mine who (I presume) hadn't seen any of this. Long story short, she chatted to him for quite a while, they danced, they kissed, he took her number...

My coming of age was this: despite my intoxicated state, I managed to suppress/ ignore my childish, pride-ridden, jealous instincts and get on with the evening without even so much as a grumble to anyone. On reflection, this doesn't necessarily sound like a very impressive achievement, but the point is that I surprised myself because I acted contrary to my self-expectations.

My colleague told me today that he has no intention of calling her.

On a personal level, bitter inevitably follows sweet and I have recently been disturbed by the following thought: why is there not an orderly queue at my door? Bullshit and modesty aside, I'm 25, at worst above-average-looking (or so I'm told - thanks mum), intelligent, well-paid blah blah blah, and not only have I been single for most of my adult life (give or take a couple of years - I don't understand serial monogamy anyway), but this hasn't really been my choice, no matter how much my friends assure me I have "too high standards". What's going wrong here? Where's my queue? I honestly haven't been looking - so that's a cliché which simply doesn't apply to me...

The frustration and bewilderment of returning to my bed alone every fucking night and having nobody there with me... There's so much I want to do and to share, but so few candidates for what I risk believing - if only temporarily - is not as desirable or worthy a position as I would like to think... I'm turning the comments off on this one for fear of the inevitable sympathy postings - that would really piss me off.

And you even spoke to me, and said :
"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know ...'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."

The Smiths - I Know it's Over