There are a lot of thoughts I have during the day that probably ought to end up on this blog, if only to add colour to what is ostensibly a patchy outline of my character. They rarely do, and I have a terrible memory anyway.
One thing I'd been meaning to explore a little more fully (if only in my mind) is my lack of a will to trust people, and my even stronger denial of complete forgiveness to even the most potentially deserving of candidates. In the immortal words of George W. Bush, "Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
In any case, I think the miniature relationship I have been having with the girl from the party is about to end - I'm just not excited enough about her to continue seeing her. Ironic, since we recently watched Les Poupées Russes (Russian Dolls - the mediocre sequel to Cédric Klapisch's L'Auberge Espagnole) together, in which the protagonist explains that for many men, meeting women is very much like a Rusian doll experience: you spend your time in relationships that don't work simply because you can't settle for the girl you are with, which is in turn due to a desire to see if the next Russian doll is a little more suitable/ desirable. One day you have to realise what you have and stick with it. Not today I guess.
I think that I am also guilty of/ suffering from a perpetual feeling of apathy in many aspects of my life. If this is a step towards the kind of disconnected objectivity over which philosophers and self-professed spiritualists fantasise, then they can keep it - I don't want it.
On the other hand, despite all these feelings, I have finally come to accept that a couple of my work colleagues really could be classed as friends now. It's taken over a year, and has been punctuated by inevitable fallings out, but essentially we get along quite well. One of them got a little peeved the other day when, in response to some kind of benevolent gesture, I said, "Well, we're practically friends, so..." I don't blame them for picking me up on this, but then I've never been into the pretense of good friendships where they don't exist.
2 comments:
I am struggling with the use of the word 'friend' at the moment over here. There are a number of people I have refered to as 'friends' and every time I do so I feel a little dishonest. I know what the word means to me but I also know that I have to use it to refer to certain people, otherwise I would be considered pretty damn rude.
I also realise I've been lucky with the places I have lived in since I left the UK. Although at the moment there isn't a single person in the same city as me who has a clue what I am really like, this is pretty recent and before my few months away it was different.
As you keep telling me, we have to do certain things and say certain things to reach the minimal amount of acceptance that we need to get by. If we were both writers or musicians do you tihnk we would bother?
I really don't think we'd want to bother, but then, if we wanted to be successful, we'd have to play a different game altogether - perhaps equally as frustrating. The common element is accountability...
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