I need to write this down because I am feeling, for want of a better word, explosive:
I have no creativity and little originality. Everything I do well is by mimicking what I have seen done (better) by others.
I struggle with my self and my character every day. This mentally exhausts me; I feel smothered by it.
I feel like I am playing the role of the person people expect me to be.
I feel like I am never, ever, in the moment. I feel like a passive spectator. I don't seem to be able to enjoy things any more. I am largely devoid of passion and mostly indifferent. I hate this about myself.
I think that, for the supposed qualities my friends see in me, the ones worth holding on to are slowly diminishing and I would love to be free from the rest.
I feel like I could never have the qualities of some of my friends.
I fear that I don't have the ability to stand up for myself when it counts. I feel weak.
I feel like the nice guy I used to be is gone forever.
I am always trying to better my physical appearance, when it's my character I should be working on.
I wonder where my relationship with my parents has gone/ is going. I feel awful that I am constantly trying to flee from them, resentful for the ways in which I feel they (have) limit(ed) me and stop(ped) me from being free, and painfully guilty because they have devoted their lives to giving me love, affection and every opportunity a child could wish for.
I feel that I have let my mother down by running away from our family's problems. I adore her. I'm terrified that one day something will happen to her.
I am resentful that my sister can't be my friend. I am hurt that she doesn't appear to know me at all. I feel guilty that perhaps I don't really understand her.
I fear that, if my father were ever to read this, that he would, during a time when he was badly affected by his illness, use it against me. I feel as guilty as I do justified about this. I love my father very much, we still have a little mending to do in our relationship and I'm not sure if this is ever going to happen.
I am scared that I have fucked up my career. I still have very little idea of what I want to do and I'm getting too old to conventionally change paths.
I fear that nobody will ever accept me entirely and love me unconditionally.
I look at photos of an ex-girlfriend and her baby and feel jealous, even though I know it couldn't have worked between us. Our relationship was brief and disjointed, but I wish I had met her when I was older.
