Bristol... Glasgow... Oblivion... I think I took a wrong turn.
The dilemma: how to disappoint those closest to you. I fucked up.
Arrived in Bristol on Friday, did an afternoon's work and headed into town with my colleagues. None of us really knew the city so we ducked into the first place we could find. We had some bar snacks for dinner and started to hit the drink hard.
I don't quite know what happened next. Perhaps I don't want to know, but the reason this is such a big deal for me is that, to a greater or lesser extent, I have always been against the use of recreational drugs (even weed, even alcohol - the former I gave up a few years ago when I realised it wasn't doing me any good, the latter I would still like to give up). There seems to be a distinction in most people's moral code between those things in which they believe and upon which they act, and those in which they apparently believe but upon which they don't act: I always want to be edging closer to putting my beliefs into practice. This weekend, I think I edged away... In the mocking words of one of my colleagues, I "broke one of my own rules." Again.
Cocaine. My finger is twitching nervously on the self-destruct button while I'm getting ever-better at keeping up the act.
Your mind is racing ahead. One way or the other, I've already been judged. So be it.
"And what happened to all that appreciation you boasted, you self-righteous piece of shit?"
2 comments:
Hi Ben,
I left 2 or 3 comments on some previous posts os yours and I never did it again, because I just had no life in the past few weeks, well, I had a life, but I had to dedicated it to my work, so, now, there is a lot that you have wrote that i would like to talk about, but i´m afraid it´s almost impossible. I´m getting sick of my work, life isn´t only work, but every day I have more demands on me, anyway I guess i´m becoming an workahollic, inconsciently I use it to "runaway" from other problems I have. "Problems"... abstract problems sometimes, because I can´t complaint myself about a lot of things, I have a good health, I have a god job, a great family, some good friends too. Despite that sometimes I feel some loneliness.
I read your post "the recluse" and i know you don´t want comments on it, I will not do it, i just like to say that sometimes I feel something quite similar. I only had one boyfriend (really strange I know, i´m 25, not 15), I never got involved with anyone easily, I´ve sometimes the expression "you have too high standarts", probably, I don´t know, but I have my standarts and I will not feel good if I don´t follow it, so I don´t care about it.
Anyway, I´ve been alone almost all my life and latelly I´ve moments when I feel that I have things to share, that Ia have something to give to another person. I don´t believe though that I can do something to find someone, if we look really hard and think about it all the time, I guess that that wouldn´t be good.. so I let the days go by... and I work. I´m all alone for almost 3 years, but I try not to think about it, there are ways to do that.
Besides my work, I do volunteer work with children with hiv, and I give a lot of my time to them. this help a lot, and gives a sense to my existence. It´s not easy, the first day I went there, I spent all night crying, this is true, i live too much everything, but then I thought about it and have decided to continue, my problems weren´t real problems compared to what that children live everyday. Despite that I know also that everything is relative... we can always find some things to make us feel better, I found this kind of work, and maybe you can find something else besides drugs.
I guess that you are going throught difficult times, I´m not here to judge anything, the true is that I don´t feel capable of saying too much things about drugs, because I don´t have any kind of experience with that, i don´t smoke, I don´t drink alcool, i never used any kind if drugs, maybe i´m not normal, i don´t know.
I guess that are too many reasons that could lead someone to try it, but the important is to fight those reasons, because the drugs way is too much dangerous and lead nowhere.
You have moral problems with that, but in my opinion you should think in a more pratical way and try to stop it...
You need more than ever to have your real friends and family support, because they love you a lot, for sure.
Sorry about something that i´ve said, with my limited english i´m always afraid that my ideas could seem confuse.
Hope that everything is well with you. I hope it, honestly.
Take care.
Rita
Rita,
Sorry it's taken so long to reply... Just wanted to say thanks for the thoughts. Through every difficulty I've ever faced, I've always known what I ought to be doing, and it's generally just a case of when I get round to acting...
I hope you're well...
B
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