My last post was interrupted by a long, intense and cathartic bout of crying - all my fears spilling out, all the angst... It was good to get that out of my system. It needed to be done.
Shortly after, I took part in a Landmark Forum - it was excellent. Any description or attempt at summation of the psychology and philosophy behind Landmark would not do it justice: reading the descriptions and the books is one thing, but to undergo the emotional rollercoaster of a Forum is something quite different.
Immediately after Landmark, I was almost scared by my ability to listen and communicate with people in an unfamiliar and liberated way, and my experiences were no longer plagued by reactionary tendencies, my interpretations of the past or the attributes assigned to my character either by me or the people arround me. I felt, for the first time in a long time, a freedom I had almost forgotten was possible.
I have since then regressed a little into the patterns of behaviour from which I vowed to be free, but I think I can still remember how to free myself, on demand but not yet as a normative mode of existence.
One thing which reminded me of the feeling I got from Landmark was watching Y Tu Mama Tambien just now: there's a decent review of it on PopMatters - I don't fully endorse the conclusion at the end of the first paragraph, but nonetheless...
A few phrases really stuck out:
The hazy beauty of retrospect - [...] truth depends on the storyteller
How we shape the details of living, despite and because of this risk [of dying]. Stories are all that will eventually remain
Never underestimate the urgency of now.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Vomit
I need to write this down because I am feeling, for want of a better word, explosive:
I have no creativity and little originality. Everything I do well is by mimicking what I have seen done (better) by others.
I struggle with my self and my character every day. This mentally exhausts me; I feel smothered by it.
I feel like I am playing the role of the person people expect me to be.
I feel like I am never, ever, in the moment. I feel like a passive spectator. I don't seem to be able to enjoy things any more. I am largely devoid of passion and mostly indifferent. I hate this about myself.
I think that, for the supposed qualities my friends see in me, the ones worth holding on to are slowly diminishing and I would love to be free from the rest.
I feel like I could never have the qualities of some of my friends.
I fear that I don't have the ability to stand up for myself when it counts. I feel weak.
I feel like the nice guy I used to be is gone forever.
I am always trying to better my physical appearance, when it's my character I should be working on.
I wonder where my relationship with my parents has gone/ is going. I feel awful that I am constantly trying to flee from them, resentful for the ways in which I feel they (have) limit(ed) me and stop(ped) me from being free, and painfully guilty because they have devoted their lives to giving me love, affection and every opportunity a child could wish for.
I feel that I have let my mother down by running away from our family's problems. I adore her. I'm terrified that one day something will happen to her.
I am resentful that my sister can't be my friend. I am hurt that she doesn't appear to know me at all. I feel guilty that perhaps I don't really understand her.
I fear that, if my father were ever to read this, that he would, during a time when he was badly affected by his illness, use it against me. I feel as guilty as I do justified about this. I love my father very much, we still have a little mending to do in our relationship and I'm not sure if this is ever going to happen.
I am scared that I have fucked up my career. I still have very little idea of what I want to do and I'm getting too old to conventionally change paths.
I fear that nobody will ever accept me entirely and love me unconditionally.
I look at photos of an ex-girlfriend and her baby and feel jealous, even though I know it couldn't have worked between us. Our relationship was brief and disjointed, but I wish I had met her when I was older.
I have no creativity and little originality. Everything I do well is by mimicking what I have seen done (better) by others.
I struggle with my self and my character every day. This mentally exhausts me; I feel smothered by it.
I feel like I am playing the role of the person people expect me to be.
I feel like I am never, ever, in the moment. I feel like a passive spectator. I don't seem to be able to enjoy things any more. I am largely devoid of passion and mostly indifferent. I hate this about myself.
I think that, for the supposed qualities my friends see in me, the ones worth holding on to are slowly diminishing and I would love to be free from the rest.
I feel like I could never have the qualities of some of my friends.
I fear that I don't have the ability to stand up for myself when it counts. I feel weak.
I feel like the nice guy I used to be is gone forever.
I am always trying to better my physical appearance, when it's my character I should be working on.
I wonder where my relationship with my parents has gone/ is going. I feel awful that I am constantly trying to flee from them, resentful for the ways in which I feel they (have) limit(ed) me and stop(ped) me from being free, and painfully guilty because they have devoted their lives to giving me love, affection and every opportunity a child could wish for.
I feel that I have let my mother down by running away from our family's problems. I adore her. I'm terrified that one day something will happen to her.
I am resentful that my sister can't be my friend. I am hurt that she doesn't appear to know me at all. I feel guilty that perhaps I don't really understand her.
I fear that, if my father were ever to read this, that he would, during a time when he was badly affected by his illness, use it against me. I feel as guilty as I do justified about this. I love my father very much, we still have a little mending to do in our relationship and I'm not sure if this is ever going to happen.
I am scared that I have fucked up my career. I still have very little idea of what I want to do and I'm getting too old to conventionally change paths.
I fear that nobody will ever accept me entirely and love me unconditionally.
I look at photos of an ex-girlfriend and her baby and feel jealous, even though I know it couldn't have worked between us. Our relationship was brief and disjointed, but I wish I had met her when I was older.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Half Awake in Our Fake Empire
It's now been five months without an update, I feel one is well overdue. I never got round to finishing the compilation of e-mails sent from my travels either. Oh well... I'm sorry?
Time now then to indulge in me, as if I don't spend long enough of every day doing that anyway. I know I've achieved a few milestones in the last few months, but I still feel like there's so much I have to do. I almost feel like I'm swinging between the positive and negative when I assess it all.
In Summation
* For a start, CM has finally come back to London and we moved in together at the end of April. We are currently renting a very pleasant appartment in the east of the City and have just bought a place round the corner which we are due to move in to in November, when the builders decide that it's ready for occupancy. On the other hand, I feel pretty much exhausted, amongst other things by the seemingly insurmountable list of outstanding tasks we always seem to have to complete - was life always like this?
* I'm still employed at that good rate of pay I mentioned. The job though is no longer progressing me in the right direction (i.e. I don't see any room for further development), I am unconvinced by the value of the work I am doing and the repetition of it all is demotivating to say the least. Most people my age would do anything for the money I'm on, but, inevitably (given my character) it's just not enough to be well-paid. I need either to be learning, to be passionate or at least to do something I feel is worthwhile (in a given context) - I feel I'm getting none of the of the above in my current role. Still, my contract runs out at the end of September, and, given that there is undeniably less work to do now than there was when I started, I feel that there is a decent chance that either they decide not to renew me, or I decide that I should leave before the winter hits bringing with it an inevitable lull in the sector's job market.
* I have put on around 15lbs in weight since I arrived home in February, most of which is muscle. People are commenting that I look better for it and I almost feel good about my body again. The juxtaposition of those two factors is quite deliberate: I certainly won't deny being affected by the opinions of others; depending on them for self esteem is just being affected too much - I don't think I'm at that level.
* I have had mild activity in the female department over the summer. God, re-reading that makes it sound so mechanical - ok, imagine it said in an Alan Partridge voice, that's how I'd deliver it. The details then: first there was a girl I met at a fancy dress party - I think I must have seen more attraction in the fact that she was in period dress and the idea of fucking in a tent than I actually did in her, since we met up the following week and I wasn't even remotely attracted to her. Then there was a work colleague (/ friend) that I awkwardly ended up in bed with a couple of times, without even so much as kissing her - a good thing, since neither of us would have chosen to do anything sober anyway. Drunk, horny, lonely perhaps - an enticing combination for even the most saintly. I'm far from saintly though, and my grip on the reality of the situation was somewhat lacking on the second occasion - luckily hers wasn't. In addition, a long-time friend made a pass at me at a party - a shame this didn't happen years ago when I actually had feelings for her: I politely moved away and let her down gently. Finally, there was an attractive and interesting girl with whom something quite good started after - you guessed it, a party - but which has now fizzled out, plagued by her childish "please make me feel wanted" games.
Anyway, it's now late, I can't bring myself to indulge (/ divulge) any more, and I'm going to hit the light and enjoy the best part of the day... I haven't given up on this blog, I just don't have the time I once did and I still don't know why. Night night.
Time now then to indulge in me, as if I don't spend long enough of every day doing that anyway. I know I've achieved a few milestones in the last few months, but I still feel like there's so much I have to do. I almost feel like I'm swinging between the positive and negative when I assess it all.
In Summation
* For a start, CM has finally come back to London and we moved in together at the end of April. We are currently renting a very pleasant appartment in the east of the City and have just bought a place round the corner which we are due to move in to in November, when the builders decide that it's ready for occupancy. On the other hand, I feel pretty much exhausted, amongst other things by the seemingly insurmountable list of outstanding tasks we always seem to have to complete - was life always like this?
* I'm still employed at that good rate of pay I mentioned. The job though is no longer progressing me in the right direction (i.e. I don't see any room for further development), I am unconvinced by the value of the work I am doing and the repetition of it all is demotivating to say the least. Most people my age would do anything for the money I'm on, but, inevitably (given my character) it's just not enough to be well-paid. I need either to be learning, to be passionate or at least to do something I feel is worthwhile (in a given context) - I feel I'm getting none of the of the above in my current role. Still, my contract runs out at the end of September, and, given that there is undeniably less work to do now than there was when I started, I feel that there is a decent chance that either they decide not to renew me, or I decide that I should leave before the winter hits bringing with it an inevitable lull in the sector's job market.
* I have put on around 15lbs in weight since I arrived home in February, most of which is muscle. People are commenting that I look better for it and I almost feel good about my body again. The juxtaposition of those two factors is quite deliberate: I certainly won't deny being affected by the opinions of others; depending on them for self esteem is just being affected too much - I don't think I'm at that level.
* I have had mild activity in the female department over the summer. God, re-reading that makes it sound so mechanical - ok, imagine it said in an Alan Partridge voice, that's how I'd deliver it. The details then: first there was a girl I met at a fancy dress party - I think I must have seen more attraction in the fact that she was in period dress and the idea of fucking in a tent than I actually did in her, since we met up the following week and I wasn't even remotely attracted to her. Then there was a work colleague (/ friend) that I awkwardly ended up in bed with a couple of times, without even so much as kissing her - a good thing, since neither of us would have chosen to do anything sober anyway. Drunk, horny, lonely perhaps - an enticing combination for even the most saintly. I'm far from saintly though, and my grip on the reality of the situation was somewhat lacking on the second occasion - luckily hers wasn't. In addition, a long-time friend made a pass at me at a party - a shame this didn't happen years ago when I actually had feelings for her: I politely moved away and let her down gently. Finally, there was an attractive and interesting girl with whom something quite good started after - you guessed it, a party - but which has now fizzled out, plagued by her childish "please make me feel wanted" games.
Anyway, it's now late, I can't bring myself to indulge (/ divulge) any more, and I'm going to hit the light and enjoy the best part of the day... I haven't given up on this blog, I just don't have the time I once did and I still don't know why. Night night.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
The Enduring Position of Neutral
This is an interesting time for me - an additional no-man's land within the same mid-twenties purgatory about which I constantly seem to moan, if only internally. Tomorrow I shall have been back for exactly six weeks, the first three of which were spent moving house (three times, with a fourth scheduled for early April) and generally getting to grips with being back in London and, thankfully, back in employment; the last three of which have been dedicated to resurrecting and enforcing the routines with which I was happy before I left the country: sensible diet, gym, abstinence from alcohol (and subsequently women, as it seems to be the case that for many men the latter rarely materialise successfully without the former - on past evidence, I am certainly no exception to this rule).
In fact, barring a single glass of wine with a meal at a friend's, I haven't touched a drop in the last six weeks, and I currently intend to keep this up for the forseeable future. I think that when I look back on my mid-twenties, one of the things that will characterise them for me will be self-discipline, at which I am getting increasingly proficient. Hardly Buddah-esque, but proficient. On the other hand, it is exactly because I have lost so much weight and am unhappy with the way I look that I am forcing myself to forgo the short-term hedonistic pleasures in favour of long-term physical and psychological gains. I look forward to seeing the results.
I turn 27 in less than a week. Not much to say in addition to last year's birthday rant, except that perhaps I am destined to play my birthday down indefinitely in secret anticipation that someone special might one year come along and illuminate it for me. [Edited...]
In fact, barring a single glass of wine with a meal at a friend's, I haven't touched a drop in the last six weeks, and I currently intend to keep this up for the forseeable future. I think that when I look back on my mid-twenties, one of the things that will characterise them for me will be self-discipline, at which I am getting increasingly proficient. Hardly Buddah-esque, but proficient. On the other hand, it is exactly because I have lost so much weight and am unhappy with the way I look that I am forcing myself to forgo the short-term hedonistic pleasures in favour of long-term physical and psychological gains. I look forward to seeing the results.
I turn 27 in less than a week. Not much to say in addition to last year's birthday rant, except that perhaps I am destined to play my birthday down indefinitely in secret anticipation that someone special might one year come along and illuminate it for me. [Edited...]
Thursday, February 08, 2007
[work in progress]
So here I am, after four months without blogging and almost three months out of the country... And why am I choosing to break my cyber-silence now? Because I am sat at a friend's place and they are watching Lost, which I don't really care for, and they have a laptop I can use...
I'm currently in San Francisco, rapidly nearing the end of my World Trip, which has been - save a couple of minor reservations more symptomatic of the fact that I naturally find fault with pretty much everything (and, sooner or later, everyone) than due to any real shortcomings or disappointments - absolutely fantastic: to borrow a cliché I used in an e-mail earlier on today, it has been just what the doctor ordered.
I meant to write before I left (back in November), but work agreed to keep me on until a week before I left the country, I had been living on friends' floors (well, inflatable matresses mostly) since the end of September, and pretty much all of my scarce free time was devoted to either going to the gym or making plans for my then-impending trip. Excuses excuses...
I in fact became a gymoholic before I left to come on this trip - not unhealthily so, but in a very disciplined manner. I may well pick up where I left off as soon as I can too - for the first time in my life, I actually felt like my body was looking good (as opposed to generally skinny and shapeless, save a little belly which really didn't suit my frame). It's going to be difficult to pick it up again, but I fully intend to...
Several things have become clear on this trip - it's amazing what a lot of time just sat around on a beach doing nothing but following your thought patterns uninterrupted through to their (il?)logical ends can do. The home truths then (excuse the irony):
- I really do love my father. In order to re-embrace this notion after the guilt-ridden, numb feeling I have had for the last few years, the finer details of which I am not going to discuss here, I had to allow not only the negative memories of my childhood and early adulthood to surface - those which contain some of the most despicable behaviour on my father's part; those which consume me in anger, confusion and regret; those which have continually and persistently plagued me for as long as I can remember - but also the positive memories, which I now realise are a more authentic representation of my father's true personality and his undeniable love for me and my sister, and to a lesser extent my mother, to whom I still feel he has at times behaved unforgivabley. I love him, and while I feel I may well act differently (i.e. more aggressively) in future should I sense he is acting up again, I am edging, slowly but with increasing speed, towards a feeling of resolution regarding what has happened in the past. How my mother continues to cope with our dysfunctional family is both beyond my comprehension and extremely humbling, but perhaps during this holiday I have shared a glimmer of her understanding of my father's illness.
- I am, one way or another, addicted to tanning. For everyone other than CM - with whom I have only touched upon this briefly but I'm pretty sure he is aware, as are some of my other friends although they might not understand why - this is almost exclusively what I was referring to a while ago when I talked about me needing this in order to feel good. If I wanted to give some kind of explanation, I would look to my teenage years when I was naturally very pale and very skinny, and my contemporaries were quite callous and hurtful with their remarks: this stuck and, at times quite embarrassingly due to the social stigmas attached, since the age of nineteen I have been using solariums on and off. This really ought to stop - it did for the longest period around four years ago when I was with the last girl for whom I actually felt something - but I'm still so aware of the difference in the way I feel about myself when I do and don't tan that stopping currently seems to carry too high a price.
- I need to push on with my career: in short, at the very least, I need an additional skill set and corresponding qualification.
On the job front, I really do have reason to celebrate as my old company (the one I quit in order to come travelling) has been in touch, offering me a total of three roles, one of which I accepted before negotiating a 35% wage increase (for those of you who know me, I would appreciate you treating this information as strictly confidential). Once again I am having money literally thrown at me, the only downside of which is that I may well have to work my arse off in order to show these guys that I am both undeniably worth the money, and indispensible (for when the initial three month contract is up). For now, this is a disadvantage I'm more than willing to put up with.
Finally, I have every intention of documenting my trip on this blog by appeal to the relevant parts of the e-mails I have sent to my friends and family over the last three months or so. The only current problem I have is that I saved two months worth of e-mails on a memory stick from which I am having real difficulty in wiping a variant of the Brontok virus (without re-formatting the drive and losing the data). I'm hoping to get this sorted once I get home so I'll post as soon as I get my shit together. In the meantime, ta ta...
I'm currently in San Francisco, rapidly nearing the end of my World Trip, which has been - save a couple of minor reservations more symptomatic of the fact that I naturally find fault with pretty much everything (and, sooner or later, everyone) than due to any real shortcomings or disappointments - absolutely fantastic: to borrow a cliché I used in an e-mail earlier on today, it has been just what the doctor ordered.
I meant to write before I left (back in November), but work agreed to keep me on until a week before I left the country, I had been living on friends' floors (well, inflatable matresses mostly) since the end of September, and pretty much all of my scarce free time was devoted to either going to the gym or making plans for my then-impending trip. Excuses excuses...
I in fact became a gymoholic before I left to come on this trip - not unhealthily so, but in a very disciplined manner. I may well pick up where I left off as soon as I can too - for the first time in my life, I actually felt like my body was looking good (as opposed to generally skinny and shapeless, save a little belly which really didn't suit my frame). It's going to be difficult to pick it up again, but I fully intend to...
Several things have become clear on this trip - it's amazing what a lot of time just sat around on a beach doing nothing but following your thought patterns uninterrupted through to their (il?)logical ends can do. The home truths then (excuse the irony):
- I really do love my father. In order to re-embrace this notion after the guilt-ridden, numb feeling I have had for the last few years, the finer details of which I am not going to discuss here, I had to allow not only the negative memories of my childhood and early adulthood to surface - those which contain some of the most despicable behaviour on my father's part; those which consume me in anger, confusion and regret; those which have continually and persistently plagued me for as long as I can remember - but also the positive memories, which I now realise are a more authentic representation of my father's true personality and his undeniable love for me and my sister, and to a lesser extent my mother, to whom I still feel he has at times behaved unforgivabley. I love him, and while I feel I may well act differently (i.e. more aggressively) in future should I sense he is acting up again, I am edging, slowly but with increasing speed, towards a feeling of resolution regarding what has happened in the past. How my mother continues to cope with our dysfunctional family is both beyond my comprehension and extremely humbling, but perhaps during this holiday I have shared a glimmer of her understanding of my father's illness.
- I am, one way or another, addicted to tanning. For everyone other than CM - with whom I have only touched upon this briefly but I'm pretty sure he is aware, as are some of my other friends although they might not understand why - this is almost exclusively what I was referring to a while ago when I talked about me needing this in order to feel good. If I wanted to give some kind of explanation, I would look to my teenage years when I was naturally very pale and very skinny, and my contemporaries were quite callous and hurtful with their remarks: this stuck and, at times quite embarrassingly due to the social stigmas attached, since the age of nineteen I have been using solariums on and off. This really ought to stop - it did for the longest period around four years ago when I was with the last girl for whom I actually felt something - but I'm still so aware of the difference in the way I feel about myself when I do and don't tan that stopping currently seems to carry too high a price.
- I need to push on with my career: in short, at the very least, I need an additional skill set and corresponding qualification.
On the job front, I really do have reason to celebrate as my old company (the one I quit in order to come travelling) has been in touch, offering me a total of three roles, one of which I accepted before negotiating a 35% wage increase (for those of you who know me, I would appreciate you treating this information as strictly confidential). Once again I am having money literally thrown at me, the only downside of which is that I may well have to work my arse off in order to show these guys that I am both undeniably worth the money, and indispensible (for when the initial three month contract is up). For now, this is a disadvantage I'm more than willing to put up with.
Finally, I have every intention of documenting my trip on this blog by appeal to the relevant parts of the e-mails I have sent to my friends and family over the last three months or so. The only current problem I have is that I saved two months worth of e-mails on a memory stick from which I am having real difficulty in wiping a variant of the Brontok virus (without re-formatting the drive and losing the data). I'm hoping to get this sorted once I get home so I'll post as soon as I get my shit together. In the meantime, ta ta...